I'm annoyed at my future self.

I wanna know what she knows!

First off, hello.

It’s been quite some time since I published my last Substack.

Thank you for your patience, and thank you for reading this article.

Throughout February and March, my family held me together with emotional tape and glue. The adhesive formed through a visit from my mother on Valentine’s day, a weepy phone call with my darling friend, a few words of career wisdom from my boss, a late night out on the town with my sober bestie, and a soft purr from my black cat.

My people lifted me up so I could see the woods from the trees.

Here’s the state of the union:

In February and March I did twelve (12!!) paid standup shows, and my day job gave me a hefty promotion with a pay raise!

Oh… and I got dumped.

Like Stanley Tucci says in The Devil Wears Prada:

“Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke. Means it’s time for a promotion.”

Woof.

Honestly, what an American concept: lay everything aside for work. May the individual succeed at the cost of connection.

But the thing is, I love my work. At least now I do. I’ve toiled my whole adult life to build the type of career I desire. And now it’s here! I’m making money from standup and I finally have a well paying job in the industry I find most exciting!

But why must my career success require a Faustian bargain?

Why can’t I have it all? I want it! I know I’m capable of it, what’s the hold up?

I’m on the precipice of living my dream life, and as Billy Joel says “it's so romantic on the borderline tonight".

I’m angry because I’m not quite there yet. I’m not everything I want to be!

But then, I take a step back and think about when I was 26 and all my hopes and dreams felt utterly unachievable. I was resigned to live a disappointing life. Even though I had a “good” life: well paying job, an active social life, and a loving partner; misery haunted me.

I don’t really know what caused the flip to switch, but the misery grew insufferable. I was determined to change. Why not at least try to go after the life I want?

So I did all the things that got me here now. Got the apartment, cut my hair, quit the job, dumped the boyfriend. And just because my life isn’t *perfect* doesn’t mean it’s pretty dang good.

In February and March this “breakup” wrecked me. I’m still upset about it, but I’m moving through it. I still want him back. But I’m trying to make peace with the fact that he will never return. It’s done. It hurts so much now, but I know it will subside. Just this time I’m deploying a different salve to my wounded heart.

Usually after a breakup I’m right on to the next romance. I distract my pain from the previous situation with the possibility of a new connection.

But with this breakup, I’m not doing that. I’m actually sitting in this single-dom. I’m going boy-sober (that’s from tiktok I didn’t make up that term). I’m not single and ready to mingle.

Just single.

I need to take care of myself, instead of daydreaming about a boy.

When I set out to write this article I was frustrated that my future self knows how this all turns out, she knows if I get the book deal and the dream wardrobe and the love of her life. Yet here I am stuck in the present, learning all the lessons.

But then I realized, as I moved my freshly washed comforter into the dryer, the only way I get to be that wisened future self, is my taking care of my current self. My current self needs the springboard to launch into that elevated energy.

I face my fears every day. And if you’re afraid to face your fears, we shall sally forth together.

Thanks for reading, and if you haven’t heard it yet today, I love you.